Unpacking 2020 - What is the gift?
The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse - Charlie Mackesy
Are you like me? Have you lost track of what day or what month it is? Well, we certainly know what year it is. 2020 will be a year not to be forgotten. Yet, for me, with no travel this year, working from home and unable to plan for the future with so much uncertainty, all the touchstones that I usually use to anchor my year are either no longer there or have shifted. Our Christmas tree, which usually goes up mid December, was up mid November. Don’t get me wrong. I love the lights and the glitter and it has brought me joy but the timing was all off. When I went to write our Christmas letter this year I couldn’t do it. We had not been anywhere, attended events or hosted celebrations. Everything after early March was fuzzy and days seem to bleed into one another. So, for the first time in many years, we sent out our cards with no letter and a simple wish to take care, stay safe and blessings for the New Year.
When I sat down to share some reflections about 2020, I realized that I had travelled a long way but it had been a different type of journey. It was a journey inward and it came with many opportunities to put my philosophical and spiritual beliefs to the test. I have a core belief that it is possible to be at peace no matter what the outside circumstances. Here, all of a sudden it seemed, was a chance to practice what I share so freely with others.
Today as I write this, it’s a good day. I am safe and healthy and content. As I look back over 2020, the temptation is strong to reduce the experience to a series of greeting card quotes - because today I am not as fearful, sad, worried or anxious as I was for many of those days. There were many different days over the past year. Some were dark and scary. Some were full of gratitude and peace. I worked hard to create the opportunity for peace and joy. I practiced prayer and meditation with a consistency like never before. I journaled, walked, ate healthy, kept routines, played with my dog, limited my intake of news or provocative social media and stayed connected with people who really know me.
It occurred to me early on (end of March) that since my husband and I were sharing the same space 24/7 and that different people deal with stress differently, that we would need to be conscious of how we responded to each other every day and in every conversation. Being gentle with ourselves and with each other was a priority. All these practices helped reinforce the foundation for good mental health and the commitment to them has been strengthened because ‘self-care’ has become a requirement as opposed to a ‘nice to have’.
Soon I learned that I could do everything ‘perfectly’ and still there would be those days when my own life or the enormity of what the world was experiencing felt like too much and I would find myself sobbing. The tears would pass and I would sleep deeply having released stress and tension I had been carrying creating a little space for gratitude and yes, even joy in that moment.
I began to see that it was all about the moment. Again, this was something I already believed but was now experiencing it at a new level. There was no value in regretting the trips we had to cancel or try to imagine when it would all ‘get back to normal’. I had today. This day in front of me. In April I began a practice of looking for #onethingadaytobegratefulfor and posting it on Social Media. The very act of looking for those little gifts every day shifted my focus. Another one of my beliefs is ‘What you focus on, grows.’. As I began to focus on gratitude, I started to see gifts everywhere.
In Elizabeth Lesser’s Book, ‘Broken Open’, she says “If I could distill all the great writings on suffering down to a few words, I would simply say that crisis and suffering transform us, and bring out what matters most in life.” Makes sense, right? It’s the basis of all good narratives. Think of your favorite inspiring novels or movies. The main character is faced with some seemingly insurmountable obstacle. They are often faced with despair or self-doubt and then in their darkest moment, there is a realization. They are transformed in some way and the very thing that threatened their every happiness becomes the gift that brings out the best in them. We applaud and are encouraged. Yet when our real life becomes difficult and we experience the uncomfortable feelings of sadness, anxiety or despair, we resist, avoid or shame ourselves. Stopping, being still and looking for the gift in discomfort can help us to see things in a new way.
I cannot let reflections on 2020 go without also sharing that I was diagnosed in August with Endometrial Cancer. In the midst of the pandemic and all that had meant, it was simply surreal. The gift was that I was well into my self-care practices. I experienced all the emotions that go along with a cancer diagnosis: shock, denial, anger and sadness. I had been learning to allow whatever emotions came up and to let them flow through me while taking actions every day to take care of myself; mentally, emotionally and physically. Today I am well. With early detection, the support of wonderful medical professionals and a quick response (surgery and radiation), I am on the other side and the prognosis is very good.
The challenge for me this year has been to embrace the discomfort of disappointment, loss of control and uncertainty. I am a planner and used to ‘fixing’ problems. This year the practice has been about developing surrender and acceptance and gratitude. I haven’t done it perfectly and I have to choose it every day. It began as an act of survival that has started to become a treasured practice. Could this be why they are referred to as spiritual ‘practices’? With repetition we develop the (spiritual) muscle memory that makes surrender, acceptance and gratitude the natural choices.
In the book ‘12 Steps and 12 Traditions’ by Bill Wilson, he says “The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.” So here is my Christmas letter for 2020. My travels this year have been internal and the gift of 2020 has been the opportunity to visit places deep within that I had avoided or was fearful of going and develop a more loving relationship with myself. It has been reassuring that the spiritual principals I have believed for so long proved to be true for me this year in a very practical way. No doubt this is in preparation for whatever may come in 2021.